"I" and "You" Language

"I"Language

• Accepting responsibility - take responsibility of the complaint by describing the speaker's reaction to the listener's behavior without making judgement.
• Responsibility is not self-blame
• 4 components: Feeling, Behavior, interpretation, consequence
• You own the feeling as yours ("You bet I'm mad at you!") instead of distorting in into an attack ("That was a stupid thing to do!").
• Improve chances for success - Even with "I" Language, the other person might be so defensive or uncooperative that nothing you say will make matters better.
• "I" Language sounds artificial - it's just part of the 4 stages of learning (Awareness, Awkward, Consciously Skilled, Integrated). Start small: use it in writing, with receptive people, on relatively minor issue.

"You" Language

• Judgmental - speaker is qualified to judge the target. Most of the listeners are not willing to accept.
• Arouse defensiveness

Skill Builder

1. "You are not telling me the truth!"
2. "You think only of yourself!"
3. "Don't be so touchy!"
4. "Quit fooling around!"
5. "You don't understand a word I'm saying!"
6. "You do not keep your promise again."
7. "You are a chicken!"